Philadelphia to Adopt Official “Knockout” League

– Philadelphia, PA. The “city of brotherly love” is quickly gaining traction as the favorite place among urban youth to participate in the controversial new “Knockout” game. The “Knockout” game consists of one or several people sucker punching a random person on the street with the goal to knock that person out. This disturbing new past time has seen a meteoric rise in the last few weeks with many videos appearing on You Tube and social media displaying knockout participants knocking out unsuspecting bystanders. Philadelphia has come up with a plan to stop this game in it’s tracks by establishing the nations first “Knockout Street League.” This controversial new initiative establishes the game as an official sport with judges, a scoring system, and different teams. While this may seem counterproductive, many proponents say it’s not.

Youth are to blame for many of the city's problems. © Smith John |
Youth are to blame for many of the cities problems.
© Smith John |

Micheal Nutter, the mayor of Philadelphia, acknowledges the problems with the knockout game but insists the city is on the right path with the new initiative. “It is profoundly disappointing that are youth are no longer content to sit in front of their Xbox’s and Playstations anymore. This is what happens when youthful energies are harnessed in the wrong direction. By making this game official, we hope to remove the cool, outlaw appeal that this game has, and turn it into a boring, dusty, stale mess of rules and regulations. Since the government has already done this to many different programs, we felt we had enough experience to tackle this ambitious new initiative.”

Some Philly residents have turned to gun stores to ease their fears about falling victim to this popular new game. Handgun purchases have risen by 110% in the past few weeks.

Sylvan Treshler is a spokesman for the Philadelphia Gun Safety Organization. The Philadelphia Gun Safety Organization is a group of people promoting gun abstinence. “We can’t promote peace in the city by arming ourselves to the teeth. These are just young, impulsive youth with troubled pasts. We shouldn’t hold them responsible.”

When asked what his solution for the knockout game would be, Sylvan said, “We should give large sums of money to the victims. This would encourage people not to hold the perpetrators knocking them out in a bad light. We need peace.”

Tim Jordan, also known as Gunslinger McGee, is a local NRA spokesman. He disagree’s with Sylvan’s tactics. “The solution to this problem is for the citizens of Philadelphia to open carry handguns and even tactical assault rifles. The city should start a firearms buying initiative, giving vouchers to the less fortunate population so they can afford top quality armory. This would discourage anyone from running up to someone and hitting them without reason. People would also, more than likely, be much more polite and considerate to one another.”

This is the proper state for a teenage male. © Vlue |
This is the proper state for a teenage male.
© Vlue |

Mayor Nutter says that the city’s Knockout Street League is a mixture of both of those plans and enjoys bipartisan support. “We are very proud of our initiative. It will offer reimbursement to the victims of the game, which will hopefully stop the citizens of Philly resenting the game so much and shooting the perpetrators. On the hand, now the perps know that if they attack someone, that person will most likely use his large sum of “victim” money to stock up on guns and ammo. The new rules of the league will add structure to the game as well. As we all know, structure is a teenagers worse enemy. This will cause the players of the knockout game to become frustrated and despondent, hopefully returning to the front of their Xbox screen.”

Will it work? Only time will tell. Until then, Mayor Nutter assures tourists that it’s perfectly safe to come to Philadelphia. “Safe is a relative word,” He says, “and we are definitely more safe than at least 50 other locations in the country. Odds are, you’ll be fine.”

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