A&E Networks announced Thursday that future seasons of cables most popular TV show, Duck Dynasty, will be produced using stop gap animation and will feature bobble heads of the shows characters rather than the real life video of the characters themselves. This new announcement is most likely due to the recent controversy over Phil Robertson’s, the patriarch of the show’s family, comments on homosexuality.
Shelly Mason, the spokesperson for A&E Networks, said, “We own the rights to produce and feature the bobble heads and we plan on using that resource to our advantage. We can’t risk one of the other characters saying or even thinking something that gay right’s activists may find offensive.” She went on, saying, “In fact, we don’t want to offend anyone since we believe everyone should have the right not be to offended. This new method we are adopting ensures that we can control the characters lives completely. We don’t have to worry about the personalities or religion of the character coming through our editing process.”
The characters will be voiced by an anonymous child. “We like using a child because it’s a gender neutral tone. Plus, the child is not yet old enough to form his own opinions and therefore can’t venture outside of the script except for some nonsensical babbling. We hope everyone will find that cute, not offensive.”
When asked whether or not that should be considered child labor, Mason was quick to assure the public, “No, no, we don’t pay the child. He doesn’t count as an employee.”
The new season will be shot in the producers basement using a smartphone camera. This is necessary because the budget for the revamped show has drastically decreased. That shouldn’t be an issue for the viewers according to Mason. “Most of them are just dumb Bible thumpers who enjoy sitting in their mobile homes drinking beer and yelling racial slurs at the TV. We don’t expect them to even notice the different format,” Mason said, winking and nudging the GLAAD representative who was standing nearby.
Sam Smith is a spokesperson for GLAAD. She applauds the networks decision to strip the personalities out of the show. “It’s less about rednecks and their bigotry and more about the raw power of stop gap animation. It’s going to be stunning. This is a victory for the dozens of people from the LGTB community who ever actually watched Duck Dynasty.”