Baltimore, MD. Baltimore Zoo announced an unlikely partnership with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, in an animal control program that is the first of it’s kind in the nation. The program entitled the “Natural Order Feeding Program” is a scheduled release of GPS tagged large carnivores including lions, bears, and packs of hyena’s into downtown Baltimore in an effort to curb the stray animal population that has exploded out of control.
PETA, once at odds with the Baltimore Zoo, has heralded this as a “common sense solution” to control the nuisance animal population while avoiding shooting or enslaving “our poor animal brothers and sisters.” Instead the “natural order found in nature fixes the problem that nature has created.”
Although the Baltimore Zoo enjoys the lower food costs for feeding the large carnivores they are concerned over the possibility of residents poaching the rare and, in some cases, endangered species whether it’s for self defense or simply for sport.
Zack Patresio, the spokesperson for the Baltimore Zoo, is concerned someone will do something rash. “We’ve removed the protective bars from our beautiful animals and are letting them do the natural thing they were born to do. We just hope some gunslinger doesn’t upset the natural order of things by shooting one of our precious animals instead of giving himself up for the great cause of natural harmony.”
Despite the pleas of the plans proponents many people have been spotted wearing safari outfits and wandering the streets carrying large caliber rifles. There have also been reports of people setting up hunting blinds behind dumpsters and on high rooftops overlooking city parks in anticipation of the Zoo’s planned carnivore release. Many “selfies” featuring guns, camo, and safari outfits labeled with the hashtag #PrepBaltimoreSafari have been trending on Twitter and Facebook.
PETA warns citizens against doing anything that may harm the animals. “We have police on standby should we lose any signal from our GPS tagged animals.” Local police, however, hint that they may not enforce the laws. A source close to the police force who wished to remain anonymous said, “Ain’t no way the boys in blue will be wandering in the downtown area. Those PETA wackos can go enforce their own stupid rules.”
Residents of Baltimore have been indifferent to the potentially dangerous packs of carnivores wandering their streets since they claim that the streets are already as dangerous as they can possibly be.
Brie Zillow lives in a government housing project. She says, “Nothing be as crazy as a meth addict with the itchy trigger finger. I would rather have the cute, fluffy tiger walking my hood.”
Patresio reassures the public saying, “It’s not as if we have unleashed all of the dangerous animals we feature here at the Baltimore Zoo. We’ve only released six lions, three tigers, a pack of ten hyenas, and three Grizzly Bears. The Rhino’s and crocodiles we still have locked up.”