Of Beards and Men

At the risk of being single forever, I have published my following thoughts:

In case you have ever wanted to grow a glorious beard, and in case you are planning on doing it, you should know a few things.

I have one. That’s not that relevant in itself except that I’m talking about beards and the fact that I have one establishes my trustworthiness on the issue.

Also, you can never eat fresh candy apples, hot wings, or large ice cream cones without considerable paper towel usage.

© Eugenio Marongiu - Fotolia.com
© Eugenio Marongiu – Fotolia.com

You should also know that not many women enjoy beards. They don’t enjoy growing beards, but more specifically, they don’t appreciate men with beards. They don’t enjoy looking at them, they don’t enjoy feeling them, they don’t even enjoy talking about them. I have deduced this because no woman has complimented or ever felt my beard. Not that I want random women running their germ sausages through my facial hair, but still, it does say something. I find that many woman also try to keep their husbands from me and my convincing pro-beard logical discussions. The simple fact is that most woman aren’t willing to handle the radiant glory of man chin hair.

The anti beard sentiment among most woman may have you backing down on your decision to boycott the razor but don’t fret. Some woman actually like beards. Seriously. No, I never really met any but I’m sure they exist.

I, however, view it like this (see if you can follow my brilliant logic): A beard is a filter. Yes, while a beard can filter physical objects like popcorn, peanut shells, and bullets from reaching your face, it also filters prospective partners.

It’s like this. Man meets Woman. Woman sees beard filling up her peripherals, says no way, runs like crazy for the exit. Man grunts and eats both plates of food left on the table then asks for the check. This saved Man a bunch of time and possibly several more awkward dates which would’ve inevitably ended with Woman asking, “So… How long are you going to keep that thing on your face?” Thus the slow painful process of “manscaping” would begin. Manscaping, as most bearded men know, is the downfall of Western Civilization.

duckdynasty text

Here’s my presumption: If you meet a woman who is OK with that “thing on your face” chances are she’s also OK with your motorcycle. She’s OK with sleeping in a tent while on hiking trips. She’s OK with a mode of transportation less expensive than a Mercedes. She’s also OK with your gun collection. In fact, she probably has her own. And it’s probably bigger than yours which makes marriage a great arrangement.

Woman are in the business of changing men. A Duck Dynasty beard, however, screams, “Ain’t no changing me!” and chases off the prospective partners with that goal. A beard that is well trimmed and just a little fuzzy attracts women the same way puppies do. Then as soon as you start pooping on the carpet they’re smacking you with a newspaper. You don’t want to get smacked with a newspaper do you?

Now, some men wouldn’t want what society calls a “redneck” woman but then again, those men usually don’t have massive beards either. See how this works?

I’m not saying don’t compromise. I’m not saying that I’m always going to have a beard trailing behind me getting caught in escalators and elevator doors. That is painful and it takes an unbelievable amount of shampoo. I’m saying if a woman accepts, even grudgingly, a substantial beard she will most likely be an interesting person. And you wouldn’t want to marry a boring person, would you?

Thoughts?

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5 thoughts on “Of Beards and Men

  1. And just to clarify: It appears a remarkable amount of women have been supporting this policy on Facebook, so it enjoys “bi-partisan” support.

  2. “They don’t enjoy looking at them, they don’t enjoy feeling them, they don’t even enjoy talking about them. I have deduced this because no woman has complimented or ever felt my beard. Not that I want random women running their germ sausages through my facial hair, but still, it does say something. ”

    Speak for yourself! Most women find my beard irresistible and often want to fondle it in bars and other gathering places where they are on the prowl. It is annoying because it often interferes with drinking my whisky, and it is fantastic because the beard does appreciate the attention. Perhaps your beard needs a few more years on it?

    1. Well, that could easily be. My beard existed as a goatee for half a year. I was then inspired to stop being a pansy and go full bore for a glorious beard. The rest of it is still catching up to the goatee part so yes, my beard may still be a little immature. A few more years will improve my beards public standing for sure.

  3. You should probably just move to Alaska… We have a beardy culture <333
    ~beard lover

  4. You bigots offend me offensivly chust becuss i ride a girls bike un live in my maw maws cellar don,t mean i aint no manly man ! next time my EBT card gets loaded i,m gonna getta bottle of OLD THUNDERBIRD an put hair on my chest an chin!!!!! Pardn me, the orderly is here wit my medssssssssssss.

Pummel others with your wisdom!