SHOCK: California Voted Out of the Union; Massachusetts Rumored to be Next

Washington, D.C. In a surprise austerity move, Congress and the House of Representatives passed a measure which removes California’s statehood status with the United States of America and removes the debt laden state’s financial responsibilities from the shoulders of the federal government.

California is no longer a U.S. State. Welcomia |
California is no longer a U.S. State.
Welcomia |

The measure has come up in the past, largely as a symbolic gesture by House Republicans, but President Obama quietly vetoed the bill. This time, however, the Republicans and Libertarians of the House and Congress slipped the provision in a jobless benefits bill that was largely supported by the Democrats. The provision went unnoticed by the Democrats since the Democrat bill policy is to read and iron out the details of what’s in the bill after they pass it. The jobless benefits extension bill, with the unnoticed California provision, was signed into law by the President late Thursday evening.

The news of the bills details broke early this morning with Democrats crying foul. “This was political sabatoge,” says Nancy Pelosi (D), the House Minority Speaker, “These radical extremists should not be allowed to destroy the democratic process this country was founded on.” She added that she was surprised by how quickly and fully the Republicans suddenly embraced the revised jobless benefits extension bill. She says that she should have suspected that something was amiss and should have been on her toes as to what was actually in the “boring writing part” of the bill process.

The governor of California, Jerry Brown, has filed an appeal but it has been knocked down since he has been stripped of his U.S. citizenship and doesn’t have the right to due process. The citizens of California are naturally outraged and are threatening to take to the streets with threats of looting and rioting. Ted Cruz, the Tea Party darling who rose to national fame when he filibustered funding the Affordable Care Act (or Obamacare), said, “Go ahead. They can burn their whole state down. We won’t have to pay for it. Haha. And that’s how it should be.”

Economists are predicting that the U.S economy will gain billions of dollars from dropping the state of California from the federal bailout program since the state racks up a debt (as of 2011) of over 117 billion dollars annually. Advocates of the bill also claim that future generations will be saved from footing the bill when California falls into the ocean as a result of “the Big One,” a reference to an earthquake event large enough to break California off the western seaboard of the continental United States. Scientist’s deny that “the Big One” is scientifically feasible but the Republicans aren’t taking any chances.

See state debt map:

[hana-code-insert name=’State Debt Map’ /]

Other states are taking cues and several have already organized austerity commissions to reduce their drag on the federal government subsidy programs fearing they could be next. There have been rumors that Massachusetts is in the eyes of the budget conscious Republicans but our sources have not been able to confirm or deny that.


Thanks to Rodney Moser for the idea for this article.

Pummel others with your wisdom!