This is a revisited how-to blog post I wrote awhile back for theCheapTrekker.com. Since theCheapTrekker.com sort of train wrecked into a wall of apathy I wanted to publish this very informative article again. Enjoy!
Please. If you’re stupid and don’t know how to properly handle a firearm, don’t.
Gangsta’s come in many shapes and sizes. They range from your wannabe gangsta’s walking around muttering rap lyrics to your fa’real gangsta’s capping people on the street corner cause they scratched their butt the wrong way and accidentally flashed the wrong gang sign. That, of course is an action deserving of death. After all, ya gotta keep your street cred. I don’t claim to know much about gang life, garnishing my knowledge only by watching “English,” or non-Amish, movies since I grew up in the middle of Amish country. Oh wait! Amish Mafia is totally all about Amish gangs. I am therefore totally qualified to expound my wisdom on the gang related art of gunnery.
When you aren’t waving your piece in the air to get the respect you deserve, you are usually storing your gun somewhere in your sweat pants. Sweat pants are the preferred threads worn by your typical gangsta, most likely because (1) they are comfortable, (2) they are usually quite loose, (3) they are cheap. Being cheap is critical because, unlike most rappers claim, being a gangsta doesn’t actually pay that well. The loose fit is also important because that allows for quick undressing should an opposing gangsta grab your garb. The fleeing gangsta, free from his comfortable, but baggy, wardrobe can streak down the street leaving nothing but another wide eyed gangsta holding a pair of over sized sweat pants and smelling the rank smell of defeat and near death, which usually smells a lot like soiled pants.
But I digress.
The real reason a gangsta likes his sweat pants is because he can hide his gun in it. His gun is important, but usually illegally obtained. A real gangsta, after all, has a criminal record and probably can’t legally acquire a gun. This means that whenever a badge walks by he’s gotta stow his gat quick and sweat pants “fit” the bill.
So, go don your favorite, floppy sweat pants and grab your gat, here’s how to shoot like a gangsta:
- The Stance. First of all, hitch up your sweat pants while moving into a nice stance. You wanna stand with your feet spread apart but still in line with each other. Relax your knees and let your butt kind of hang over your heels. This serves as a platform for your shooting and is an important part of appearing gangsta-like. The most useful function, however, of this stance, is not the shooting (we’ll get to that later) but to simply keep your sweatpants from retreating to your ankles as you blaze away. As most people know, having your pants around your ankles isn’t beneficial in a tactical setting, and is usually dismissed as poor etiquette in a public setting. As a gangsta you aren’t concerned about others opinions but come on, now one enjoys being laughed and pointed at. Therefore, use your knees to take up the extra slack in your sweat pants to keep gravity’s grip of your sweats.
- The Gat Grab. Storing your gun in your floppy sweat pants has it’s disadvantages.One of them being that it gets lost in the folds of stretchy fabric. This can be quite awkward as you walk up to the baddy, talking smack the whole way, then arrive right up in his grill meaning to whip out your gun and swing it around emphasizing your point. But instead of whipping it out, you fumble around with your hand in your pants. After which you switch to both hands. Then the gun usually ends up falling out your pant leg, or shooting you in the leg (football players do this a lot for some reason). This is not beneficial to your street cred and even the most hardened gangsta’s have a hard time not flinching when their femoral artery is blown to bits. To fix this most gangstas store the gun in the back of their pants, using the elastic waist band to hold it in place. This works, but getting shot in your bum is possibly even more embarrassing than getting shot in the leg. I reckon most gang members get shot while digging for their gun. Learn to use the safety. Learning to use your gun properly is very important. This brings me to my next point:
The Gat Shoot. Now, when (if) you manage to retrieve your gun without capping your knee cap, grip it tightly then rotate your hand 90 degree’s or more. You may notice this renders the gun useless since you can’t hit anything smaller than a Cadillac, which in some cases, may still be useful. You might as well run up and punch the baddy in the nose with your ring studded hand because shooting a gun gangsta style does little more than sling lead in the general direction of your intended victim. Of course, since he’s also wearing sweat pants, and he has too much dignity to ditch them and haul tail out of there (or else is frantically trying to find his gun that’s lost in his pants) you may have more than adequate time to cap him without giving up your gangsta style. I’ve been told, by Lebanon Levi nonetheless, that it’s better to use this sideways gat tactic in close quarters. However, another disadvantage of running the gun this way is that ejects the shells straight in the air. The shells then procede to shower down upon you, and most likely, down into your oversized shirt and down into your oversized pants. This causes even the most hardened gangster to yip like a frightened Chihuahua and dance in circles while a hot piece of brass imprints itself onto his posterior. Due to the increase of gang violence, however, I prefer people who are shooting at other people to be terrible shots.
Shucks, I may have just saved lives. I might as well be called a hero.
-Photo on home screen by © Laurin Rinder – Fotolia.com