Injured Man Sues Red Bull Energy Drink, Claims “No Wings”

Badlands, S.D. Barry Nickels was badly injured when he jumped from a popular base jumping launch site in the Badlands, South Dakota without any equipment. Apparently he was under the impression that the seven Red Bull energy drinks he drank would give him literal wings like Red Bull ads claim it does. Nickels has filed suit over the ads claiming he was misled and that Red Bull has been knowingly claiming it’s product does things it cannot do with catch phrases such as “Red Bull gives you wings.”

Witnesses say that, although the Red Bull did not actually enable Nickels to fly, it appeared to give him the metabolic energy he needed to slow his descent by rapidly waving his arms. Emergency workers who were on the scene were astonished to find Nickels alive and credit a substantial amount of caffeine, adrenaline, and fear for saving his life.

Stephanie Velasquez is an EMS worker for Eagle Butte Ambulance and claims that humans weren’t designed to fall over 1,500 feet. “It’s usually deadly,” she says. Other experts seem to agree that falling even 100 vertical feet has adverse side effects on one’s quality of life.

Nickels was rushed to the hospital where the doctors managed to successfully pull him back from the brink of death by removing his head from his rectum and straightening his hilariously crooked spine. Nickels claims that the brush with death has left him emotionally damaged. “I feel so alive now,” he says. “I’m used to feeling so dead inside.”

Nickels hopes that the lawsuit will warn other’s not to take Red Bull’s claims so seriously. “Don’t be fooled,” he said, “Having your head up your butt is not as glamorous as Hollywood makes it seem.”

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