Study Finds Firearms May Be Inanimate Objects

A scientific study that concluded the day before Christmas Eve found that guns may actually be inanimate objects with no will of their own. The highly controversial results were published today in Scientific Log, a leading journal in the scientific community, and has already drawn disbelief and criticism from top gun control proponents.

The study placed a collection of 240 firearms in a large room outfitted with a bulletproof observation window which allowed the scientists to monitor the firearms 24/7 for over four months. The collection of firearms included assault rifles, semi automatic pistols, hunting rifles, and BB guns while the control group, housed in another similar room, consisted of comically proportioned wooden dummy guns. The room was filled with cardboard cutouts of people, animals, and inanimate objects like cars and movie theaters to see which victims certain guns were likely to target.

The study was intended to provide data for future firearm restrictions in the state of New York and was to be used to decide which firearms to make wildly illegal.

The results, however, took an odd turn says Bob Clementine, the lead researcher and grant manager of the project. “We found very similar results with the most evil looking gun as we did with the funny looking dummy guns. A gun, regardless of it’s type, appears, by all scientific and measurable standards, to be inanimate and doesn’t seem to be capable of evil or good.” He says the only action recorded in the room were the oxidation of metal and dust gathering, both of which pose no threat to human lives and is “incredibly boring to watch.”

The research group has come up with several likely possibilities as to why the guns didn’t react violently to the cardboard cutouts. Clementine says that guns may require an outside force to make them shoot but more likely, he says, it’s because the guns didn’t sense any fear. “Guns feed on fear and panic,” he says, “and cardboard generally doesn’t exhibit any of those emotions.” He adds that more research, along with more big ticket federally funded grants, will be required to reach any definite conclusion.


28 thoughts on “Study Finds Firearms May Be Inanimate Objects

  1. “Firearm” is a state/federal designation which allows them to pass “laws” against “firearms.” When you register a GUN, the paperwork says that it is a “firearm.” You see, they couldn’t pass “laws” against GUNS or ARMS, because that would violate the 2nd Amendment. Get it?

    So, if you register a gun, don’t register it as a “firearm.” Take the paperwork home, change “firearm” to “arm,” make any other changes you need to make, and have it notarized. After all, that paperwork is an agreement or contract with “government,” and you have the right to change the terms of any contract that is not beneficial to you. You might even inform the gun shop of your intention to do so, and also inform them that if they refuse to sell you the GUN because of it, that you will sue them to establish a precedent. I think you’ll find that the gun shop doesn’t really care. Why? Because all they are is a middleman. They just have to turn the paperwork in to the “government,” and I’ll bet that 99% of them resent having to be involved in the first place.

    1. Great comment Big M, liberals are clever in the ways they develop to get around our Constitution….just show how deceitful and dishonorable they are. Makers of such laws should be systematically prosecuted and thrown in a federal penitentiary. Radical gun control supporters, especially Michael Bloomberg, need to be in jail for their scantily disguised attacks on the 2nd Amendment!!!

  2. who would have thought weapons have no mind of their own? this is a new revelation. the study must be repeated to ascertain if the conclusions are correct. after all, the conclusions fly in the face of ‘official’ evidence.

  3. Better yet. Study the results of a room filled with law abiding armed citizens and see what might happen.

    My guess is that a discusion will ensue as to which firearm is the best for it’s intended use.

  4. I am puking sick of reading every single day about how your baby, your toddler, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your niece, your nephew, blew their brains into their lap with a gun you left lying around, because freedom, or something. I would ask what is wrong with you, but I already know: you love your guns more than you love your child, or his child, or her child, or my child. You love your guns, period.

    1. xteeth,
      t is because we love our families, neighbors and country that we need guns to protect them as required by the US Constitution. There were more people killed by baseball bats, clubs and hammers than all types of rifles (including the semi-automatic rifles those on the left incorrectly label as assault weapons) and there were far more people killed with knives than all rifles.
      A gun is only a weapon if it is used to harm someone. A gun is a tool for all other uses.

    2. Then stop reading shock-journalism. You know what I’m tired of seeing in the paper? NOTHING. There’s so much FUCKING nothing about the 2.5 million individual incidents where one of those firearms was even brought into VIEW, deterring a criminal who, shockingly, isn’t any more anxious than you or I to have a brand new intestine or lung piercing, despite it being all the rage this season. It’s BECAUSE I love my 110lb wife that I would give her the means to keep a 250lb rapist from turning her into a disposable plaything.
      How do you protect yours? The gun is a few pounds… the rest of the cop is too damn heavy to keep with you when you need it.

    3. The choice to bring a gun into a home should be taken every bit as seriously as the choice to bring a child into the home– it’s care, feeding and protection needs to be considered for its entire lifetime. Sadly, many guns are NOT treated this way (nor are children for that matter).

      But making laws restricting gun ownership based on self protection (protecting someone from him/herself) is morally wrong one one considers the (legal) reasons one would want or need them as xteeth writes.

      Furthermore, if you study history, you will see why the 2nd amendment is needed to protect a veiled threat against any aggressor– from a robber at your back window, to an invading adversary, to our own government if it comes to that as the founders cautioned.

      I found this educational and entertaining :

    4. Soooooo…. You have any valuables in your house then? Cuz I needs some cash. You won’t mind right? I have this here gun that says you don’t. lol But seriously, what’s wrong with you? Don’t you care to protect your loved ones from mayhem like me? Guess not. I weep for your “loved” ones. You would probably piss your pants and run leaving your “loved ones” behind. Do you crawl and kiss the feet of your masters every morn? If not, they are waiting… Run coward.

    5. Even if your childish rant was true, and we actually had a problem with large numbers of children killing themselves (we don’t), you only mention OUR children, OR family members, etc. None of it has anything to do with you, jackhole. It’s none of your business.

    6. I have my loved ones and my guns. I did lose two people to a suicide in my life, though. One of them strung belts together, attached them to a doorknob, threw them over a door and hanged himself on the other side. The other ran a hose from the tailpipe of his motor home into the coach and lay down on the bed for the big nod. But I would freely allow anyone to have a belt or a motor home.

  5. I have a weapon in it’s holster next to me for years and it has not attacked me. Who funded this CRAP?? Best part is, they want more money to study this MORE.

    1. That is not a weapon in your holster. It is a gun, or a firearm or even a tool but unless you use it to attack someone it is not a weapon. If you use your gun to defend yourself it is not a weapon, it is a tool when used for self-defense.
      Also, this column was a parody. You are supposed to laugh at it and the fools who want to eliminate guns form law abiding citizens.

  6. I love how people actually think this is a real news story when at the top of the webpage it says satire….

  7. Satire at its finest! If only more of my fellow posters made the connection… 🙂

  8. Given the state of ‘mind’ of people like the governors of NY, MA, CO and CA, not to mention the former mayor of NYC, one might almost be forgiven for not recognizing this as bad satire.

  9. They should have had a menacing figue in the same room as the guns, someone like the Incredible Hulk then the outcome would have been different, L O L! Gotta love the scientific community, it only took them how many years to determine that our dogs are decendants of the wolf and we the guardians of our dogs have seen it and knew it all along!

  10. Guess what happens in that same room if you were to take all the guns out? The same thing. That is the point. Terrible satire filled with common comments of uneducated idiots who still vote republican as they destroy this country.

    1. Make sure to follow us on Facebook for more terrible satire and washed out, ignorant humor that will have you banging your head on your keyboard for days. Thanks, Have a great day!

  11. Several things occur:

    1). Blaming guns for the problems is folly – it’s like blaming the explosives strapped to a suicide bomber.

    2). If confronted by a homicidal individual, brandishing a gun, which element of this scenario would you prefer to see disappear – the gun or on the homicidal individual?

    3). In 2010, there were, on a weekly average, approximately 213 gun-related homicides; that same year, there were, on a weekly average, approximately 632 deaths involving automobiles. Total gun related deaths in 2010, on a weekly average, approximated 598, including some 372 weekly suicides. How has completely regulating automobiles allowed them to cause more deaths than guns?

    4). Edward Abbey once said, “A patriot must always be ready to defend himself against his government.”

  12. I have 4 words for xteeth and Truth McGee, SLAVES DON’T OWN GUNS This is the reason for the second amendment.

Pummel others with your wisdom!