America ranked dead last on the European Union’s ‘Dictator Friendly’ Index for the calendar year 2013 ranking only slightly below Switzerland in it’s apparent susceptibility to totalitarian rule. Switzerland plummeted to it’s current position after their controversial decision, which angered egotistical regimes everywhere, to stand up to Hitler as he marched across Europe.
The index listed several systemic problems, including high gun ownership per capita and unpredictable elections, that caused the U.S. to plummet down through the list, becoming anchored on rock bottom for the last several decades.
Ill Jong Kim, the curator of the EU’s ‘Dictator Friendly’ list and one of North Korea’s top advisers, suggested that the citizens of America need to stop voicing their opinions about anything. “The ability to recklessly discuss issues that dumb people, who make up most of a country’s population, just don’t understand makes it difficult for the dictator to lead in an iron fisted manner.”
He urged Americans to stop using the internet, participating in elections, or even reading and to just be content knowing their opinion doesn’t count. Kim says that apathy is a fundamental vital sign that a dictator looks for. “A good dictator will weigh the skill of his propaganda team against the apathy or ignorance level in the country to see if he can nurture a thriving totalarian government in that environment.” Kim acknowledges America has come far in this area but says there is room for improvement. “Don’t be discouraged. I’ve seen country’s go from intellictual genius’s to dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks in as little as twelve months.”
Kim said the next step is some sort of gradual gun control and pointed to gun ownership as a big red flag when it comes to dictator ownership. “No sensible iron fisted dictator will want to rule a country that has guns bursting from every home. This gives way to much power to the dumb, ordinary citizens and is a threat to the rulers which goes against everything a totalitarian society stands for. If America wants to make themselves attractive to young, start-up, ambitious dictators with big plans they need to stop acting like a bunch of paranoid street thugs with an appetite for freedom and ridiculous notions like it,” Kim says.
Kim’s final recommendations show hope for America. “America has all the resources that make a country attractive to a hostile takeover. If the citizens just stick to the current progress I can see America rising through the ranks of our index.”
He noted that there is many emerging dictators in the market for a new country and that in a few years the countries eligible for a hostile takeover will be on the rise. “The competition is getting tough.” He warned that if America wants to stay competitive they need to “step up their game.”
He summed up his recommendations by shaking his finger emphatically and saying, “Refusing to let people control you is what makes you so undesirable for dictators. Stop it! Stop it America! Just go back to sleep.”