Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN. Doctors everywhere are feeling the ill effects of so called ‘Facebook Physicians’ and their home remedies and all natural cures, offered for free, on anything from colds to cancers to self performed colonoscopies. Many Doctors are seeing a decline in office visits and are upset that the medical community never informed them about these breakthrough natural alternatives during their rigorous and expensive eight year stint in medical school.
“Facebook Physicians are way more innovative than the average medical professional,” says Dr. Edmund Barrows, a senior Physician at the Mayo Clinic. “I’m finding things on Facebook that I never knew and I’m a doctor. Why can’t they tell us about these cheap natural alternatives during medical school?” He lamented that fact that people can find all the medical knowledge they would ever need on the social media giant. “I can’t compete with Facebook Physicians prices or their simple backwoods charm.”
Abby Segrist is an administrator of the Facebook page ‘Shocking Natural Home Remedies for Horrible Diseases! Please Share If You Love Your Friends!’ Segrist says that the medical community gets bogged down in bureaucratic red tape such as testing, FDA safety inspections, and peer reviews. “The ‘Facebook Physician,'” she says, “enjoys freedom from that mess and raises awareness of the quack doctors that just want people to spend money on highly researched and developed medication that just makes the researchers rich.”
Barrows has already phased out the use of chemically derived sedatives in his practice and has instead opted for a more traditional Tennessee barrel aged bourbon approach, hoping to attract some of the customers he lost to the Facebook Physician movement. “It might take up to ten or twelve medicinal sized shot glasses of the whiskey to properly anesthetize a patient, depending on the alcohol tolerance of the individual being treated.” He notes that while the side affects, such as vomiting and a splitting headache, are more severe than the chemical sedatives many people end up appreciating the natural sedatives and usually come back for more, sometimes up to several times a day.
“Business is booming. I’m treating people for diseases I never knew existed before.” Barrows credits that to the recent natural remedy trends on Facebook. He plans to adopt more Facebook Physician treatments and is even advertising his evolving natural approach to medicine by hanging a ‘Therapies As Seen on Facebook’ sign on the front of his office. He has also implemented a rustic decor in his waiting room and has perfected his homeopathic slang with buzzwords such as ‘cleanse’ and ‘all natural.’ “There’s definitely potential here to change the way we do medicine,” he says, “The future belongs to the home remedies of the medieval times.”