EPA Moves to Ban Two Ply Toilet Paper Due to Environmental Impact

The Western world loves their soft toiletries. © Africa Studio - Fotolia.com
The Western world loves their soft toiletries.
© Africa Studio – Fotolia.com

Citing the success of the incandescent light bulb ban (more here on that story) that was implemented on January 1 of this year, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced in a press conference Saturday afternoon that they will be taking steps to phase out two ply construction toilet paper in the American marketplace.

The EPA Administrator, Gina McCarthy, said at the press conference, “The negative impact of deforestation is a very real threat to the environment taking away the ability of the vegetation to absorb Co2 which is a very dangerous greenhouse gas and is a major contributor to climate change. The luxury of thick, soft toiletry is not important enough to justify melting the polar ice caps and destabilizing the entire weather system of the globe.” She said steps are being laid out to take action and to expect the popular toiletry products to disappear from store shelves as early as June 2014.

It does seem the Western world likes their toilet paper. According to several sources, the average person in the U.S. uses about 50 pounds of tissue products per year. An average tree produces about 100 pounds of toiletry products. There are crews of chainsaw wielding lumberjacks cutting down swaths of forests 24/7 just to keep up with the consequences of America’s fast food diets.

There are some things you can do to limit your use of toilet paper says Blair Jordan of the environmental watch group called Greenpeace. “You can hold your regular bowel movements for an extra day. If you go every other day instead of every day that cuts your toilet paper use in half.” It’s the little steps that count he said while grimacing grotesquely showing his dedication to his own advice. Other experts suggest using old newspapers or a garden hose to clean up.

Deborah Shaw is a environmentally conscious urban dweller who built an Oriental sand garden in her bathroom. She uses that instead of a porcelain toilet. “It’s the way nature intended. You just dig a hole and squat. It’s actually healthier.” She says the fact that her cats also enjoy the facilities is proof that it’s the natural way to relieve one’s self.

A beautiful sand garden can be a stylish toilet paper and porcelain toilet alternative. © PiX'art photographie - Fotolia.com
A beautiful sand garden can be a stylish toilet paper and porcelain toilet alternative.
© PiX’art photographie – Fotolia.com

Travis Banner is a self proclaimed normal person. “I’m pretty average,” he claims. Banner says he would cut down all of the earth’s forests as long as he doesn’t have to squat with cats in the dirt. “Give me a chainsaw man, I’ll cut down my own trees if I have to.” He says Mother Nature has it coming. “All those hurricanes and stuff. Screw the earth, I want my double ply TP.”

Pummel others with your wisdom!