With the weight of many shiny new social justice programs pulling the budget into the red Pennsylvania lawmakers were forced to raise the state income tax from merely a pinky finger to an arm and a leg.
While Tom Corbett’s re-election campaign is feeling the punches of the now nearly limb-less residents some tax payers do not resent giving a helping hand to the less fortunate.
“Some people don’t even have arms,” says Brenda Baines, a Middletown resident. “It’s not fair that my appendages are all attached and doing something useful. I’m ok with giving my fair share of limbs to those who don’t have a leg to stand on. The Constitution gives everyone the right to bear arms. We are denying many people their basic rights.” She explains that her neighbor had lost an arm while hanging it out the subway window and would have had to deal with the consequences of her irresponsible action if the government wouldn’t have stepped in and provided her with a state subsidized hand. “Thanks to the government she can minimize the need for personal awareness.”
Chuck Davis is a truck driver for Penske Transportation. He says the debilitating new tax handicaps his ability to do his job. “It’s very hard to shift with only one arm and one leg. I can’t even eat fast food while driving fast anymore.” Other residents agree. Harvey Smith is an accountant for H&R Block. He says people are losing their will to work knowing that if they make over several dollars a year the IRS will claim 30-40% of their limbs. “People would rather play Xbox with all their puny limbs attached than work hard building up their muscle reserve only to lose a good portion of their appendage assets,” Smith claims.
Hannah Peacechild, a community organizer for Occupy Wall Street, claims that most appendagely blessed people don’t even use their excess amount of limbs for anything useful anyway. “They usually just use their fingers to count money or to hold martini glasses.” She claims that the 1% of perfectly proportioned people won’t even miss their vanity limbs.
Many residents are worrying that the next tax raise will kill the momentum of a bipedal economy. Jack Nesley is a plumber in the Shamokin Dam area who runs his own business. “I’m required to cut off a percentage of my plumbers’ appendages. It has crippled my work force. If these tax hikes keep going into place I’m afraid I will have to lay off my most of my employees since they will be useless torsos.” His solution is simple. “Let people keep their limbs. We’ll see the economy get back on to it’s feet and begin to walk in the right direction.”