Elementary School Children Charged with Bribing Weatherman

Weathermen behind an anchor desk
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Six local children from Wyomissing School District were charged Saturday with paying Ted Ballmer, a weatherman with the local CBS affiliated TV station, to predict or exaggerate upcoming snowstorms so that their school district would preemptively close their schools.

According to sources close to the situation, Ted Ballmer was responsible for building the panic and hysteria that was responsible for several county wide school closings during this last winter.

The investigation started when a manager at the station noticed the forecast predicted 55 degree weather but Ballmer insisted on jumping up and down on camera, screaming and telling people to buy flashlights and bread because “we got a [expletive] death storm of acid snow stampeding down upon us!”

His forecasts caused PennDot to waste many tons of road salt trying to treat the roads before the supposed blizzards. Schools and businesses closed around the county in anticipation of storms that never came or in many cases had significantly less snowfall than predicted.

The children, who have yet to be named, pooled their allowances for multiple weeks to pay Ballmer a whopping $12,899 according to the PA Attorney General Kathleen Kane.

Sam Stevens, Ballmer’s co-anchor, expressed chagrin at Ballmer’s actions. “It’s really hurts the weatherpersons reliability when people realize we are just making this stuff up.”

Ballmer has been charged with several cases of accepting bribery. His court date has been postponed due to the impending snow storm.

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