Blatant Advice from a Serial Bachelor

© jorgophotography -
© jorgophotography –

Being a bachelor isn’t easy. It isn’t pretty either for that matter. That’s just my opinion. You, however, may find some bachelors pretty. I’m not going to claim that pretty bachelors don’t exist but I’m guessing if they have that much regard for their hygiene, they don’t need my advice.

You know what? I take back that ‘being a bachelor isn’t easy.’ It can be easy if you aren’t too concerned about being a ‘pretty’ bachelor. Here are some things I do around the house to keep my housework to a minimum. Remember, it’s the little things that count.

1. Use plastic utensils. I dubbed my plastic eating tools “bachelor ware” for good reason. They are cheap and they don’t have to be washed; two characteristics I share with bachelor ware. But what if you are some sort of environmentalist hippy? Place the used bachelor ware into your neighbors recycle bin. Don’t want to waste time trying to find your shoes to go outside? Here’s another tip, if you bundle your used bach-ware into a tightly wrapped grocery bag you can throw the refuse projectile into your neighbor’s recycle bin from the comfort of your front porch.

2. Use paper plates and foam cups. Same reason as above.

3. Put a small tower of toilet paper rolls right in front of the toilet. When I say pile I mean a stack of toilet paper that’s high enough to reach slightly above your knees when you are sitting on the porcelain throne. If possible, buy the cheap toilet paper in bulk and leave it in it’s 36 roll plastic wrapped bricks so it stacks nicely. This has two purposes. One, you never lose track of your toilet paper supply or get caught without any toilet paper. Two, you can set your laptop on the makeshift toilet paper table and get things done, such as blogging, while fulfilling the call of nature therefore killing two birds with one stone. You no longer have a toilet. You have a multi-function office chair.

4. Sit down to do pee. Sorry, did I offend the pretty bachelors? Ok, I’ll use the word ‘urinate.’ Hey, now we’re getting technical and I feel the awkwardness that comes about by discussing urinating techniques. This is essential to simple bachelor living, however. By sitting down you eliminate splatter. Splatter is nasty and has to be cleaned up at some point. I feel everyone is starting to criticize me for being a ‘potty mouth’ but I assure you cleaning up month old splatter is far worse than reading how to avoid it in the first place. Cleaning splatter is nasty so just sit down to urinate. Yes, it might not be manly to sit down, but seriously, who’s going to see you doing it?

5. Buy plain Jane socks that all look exactly alike. This way you can lose, misplace, and destroy (did you know a sock works great for cleaning the oil off of a dipstick?) any odd number of socks and still find a matching pair after you do your wash. I have to admit, I stole this idea from my friend who is also a pioneer in the bachelor frontier. I always took the route of finding any two different colored socks and just shoving my feet into them. However, literally everyone in the whole world will mock you incessantly as soon as they learn your socks don’t match. This is annoying and a little baffling. Who cares? No one ever sees them. Except somehow they do. So get socks that are all alike.

6. Play the sympathy card when it comes to scoring free meals. You see, as a bachelor you have to do all your own cooking since chances are a random stranger won’t show up and do it for you. Even if a random stranger did show up and offer to make you a free meal, I would recommend not eating anything he may give you. You could also try eating out everyday but that really hurts the budget. The solution is too simply whine about your horrible eating habits to all your married friends constantly. Try to appeal to their emotions by saying things like, “Man, Chef Boyardee is skyrocketing in price. I may have to begin skipping meals to save money,” or “Say, do you have any stale bread just loafing around that I could use? The dumpster I usually shop ran out.” Your friend, being a typical guy, will guffaw loudly without any sympathy whatsoever. His wife, however, will begin inviting you over for meals since she assumes, by the looks of it, that you really do eat out of dumpsters.

If all else fails, just get married. Not saying that needing a maid is a good reason to get married (it isn’t) but as far as I can see, all my married friends have clean houses and eat a lot better than I do. Just saying.

2 thoughts on “Blatant Advice from a Serial Bachelor

  1. i heard of a guy in san francrico that castrated himself on a horseshoe shaped pot seat.if you must sit down check for loose hardware lest if you tilt left [this was san francrico!] YOU COULD BECOME A PAJAMA BOY SNIVELING EUNOCH IN OTHER WORDS AN OBOMABOT!!!!!!!!!

Pummel others with your wisdom!