Oxford, Pa. An AR-15 rifle, left unconstrained in a closet, found its way into public and kidnapped a hapless bystander forcing him to go on a shooting spree that resulted in 54 dead cattle, the equivalent of 2,400 quarter pound hamburgers.
Witnesses say that the rifle, a Smith and Wesson M&P .223, approached the victim, who police have yet to identify, with the idea of going on a shooting rampage together. When the victim balked at the idea, an altercation followed resulting in the victim fleeing down the street on foot with the AR-15 in pursuit. The witnesses claim that the AR-15 overpowered the man and forced him to drive down multiple back roads shooting randomly at cattle. The situation ended when a properly trained police officer arrived and was able to talk the AR-15 into surrendering.
Bethany Weaver was one of those who witnessed the tragic event. She says it’s just an example of why only police officers should be allowed to use AR-15’s. “They are so difficult to handle. They’re devious little suckers. They come talk to you in the middle of the night trying to get you to do unspeakable things. I think we should trust the psychological and physical stress that comes with the training of an AR-15 only to properly trained government officials.”
Brandon Topaz, another citizen on the scene, agrees. “Regular dumb people are too naïve and weak to handle the intelligence, cunning, and power of such a weapon. Who knew a hunk of precisely machined metal could be demon possessed?”
Other citizens claim that AR-15s live in their houses and they get along well with each other. Ruthie Zimmerman has a husband who adopted an AR-15 from the local gun pound with the goal of training it properly. “I’ve never seen it even threaten my dog, let along my children or anything.” She says that the AR-15 does affect her husband’s behavior but only in positive ways. “He gets all giddy every time they go out together. The only complaint I have is that they spend so much money on ammo when they go to the range.”
Indeed, many people who actually have the AR rifles as companions claim they have been successful in teaching the rifle obedience training. The majority of people who describe the AR-15s as a belligerent bunch also admit they have little experience with the firebrand rifles. “I’ve heard they are evil so I avoid them,” says Tammy who lives in Oxford, PA, close to where the cattle massacre took place.
Proponents of AR-15 adoption say that the gun is simply misunderstood. “They can be a little coarse with their vocabulary and I wouldn’t let them hang around impressionable children,” Ruthie says, “But at the end of the day, I want to make sure my AR-15 is around so it can protect me from the rifles that haven’t been through obedience training.”
Regardless of the implications of this tragedy, the AR-15 dispute will likely continue due to the popularity of the firearm among local farmers and enthusiasts who have the room to properly raise and train the guns. What’s your opinion? Make your voice heard below!