Mayo Clinic, OH. Researchers announced a breakthrough pregnancy vaccine designed to protect woman from spontaneous asexual reproduction.
Since pregnancies, like STD’s and obesity, are completely unpreventable, many groups have been calling for government funding in the battle against spontaneous pregnancies saying that many woman do not have the funds to pay for the research themselves. Many employers, like conservative businesses Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Specialties who are currently embroiled in a Supreme Court case over this very subject, who are concerned about their bottom line and silly religious liberties, insist on maintaining the archaic medical principle that woman can in fact choose to avoid pregnancy.
Sheila Kelley is a senior researcher for the Independent Studies, the organization that spearheaded the vaccine development. She says that pregnancy is a disease that happens completely spontaneously and up until now didn’t have any known cures. “We’ve been helping the women who fate decides to strike with pregnancy because often the pregnancies occur at inopportune times which mess up the social life and finances of the victim.” She says many women who are just living their solitary lives like normal people suddenly notice one day that they have gained 40 lbs and are soon to give childbirth. “This is a major shock to their lives. They shouldn’t have to give up things like frivolous lifestyles, shiny technological gadgets, and expensive clothing because they suddenly have to plan for the future of some person tumor that suddenly and spontaneously started growing in their womb.” Kelley says government programs are the answer to the victims financial woes. “This should be the burden of the public.”
The documents released by the study claim that the epidemic of childbirth is responsible for much of the human race and is also a precursor to many forms of tragic death. “It’s an important women’s issue which men are usually calloused to because they know nothing and have nothing to do with spontaneous pregnancies.” It’s estimated that nearly 95% of women in the world have been affected by pregnancy.
The vaccine was administered to 40 different woman who were then kept isolated from public for a year. The vaccine was 100% efficient in preventing spontaneous pregnancies and the researchers officially released the results of the clinical trials on Thursday in the Scientific Log, a leading scientific journal in the international medical community.
Scientists disagree on the source of pregnancy but the typical consensus is that being female is a factor. The vaccine background study shows that the condition used to only strike younger woman who were typically married but that trend has been changing in the last decade. The study says, “The condition of spontaneous pregnancy has been striking younger unmarried girls more in the recent decade. More research and experimentation has to be done to determine the causes of this condition but we are happy we found a way to prevent this previously unavoidable and unpredictable condition.”
The symptoms of pregnancy usually include stomach bloating, mood swings, and strange food cravings. While men may experience similar physical states, so far only woman with those symptoms have been known to produce new humans.