The Mayo Clinic released the results of Uncle Sam’s medical checkup which was prompted by his visit to the clinic after he complained of bloating, weak joints, and unusually slow reflexes. The diagnosis that was released Tuesday states that many of the medical conditions Uncle Sam is experiencing stems from his morbid obesity.
“We began to suspect the diagnosis when we had to cut the hospital wall out to get him into the two beds we used,” Dr. Matthew Tucker, the Emergency Room Coordinator and Lead Doctor on Uncle Sam’s medical team, said.
Although the diagnosis for Uncle Sam has been established, the iconic white, red, and blue clad celebrity is far from cured.
The relatives of Uncle Sam are split on what treatments to pursue with some of his family recommending liposuction while other family members are suggesting that he frequents buffets more often.
“Our Uncle needs his calories. He does so much good for community that it would be a shame to starve the poor man,” says Dick Wayne, a nephew of Uncle Sam.
Trent Myers, a nephew from the other side of the family, suggests a more aggressive approach to curing his morbidly obese Uncle. “I say we get some local anesthetic, a utility knife, and a Hoover vacuum cleaner and suck most of that [expletive] bloat out.”
Anna Gebhart is the mayor of Rochester, Minnesota, where the Mayo Clinic is based. “When Uncle Sam first moved into the area, we were more than happy to provide for him since he did odd jobs around town such as chase the raccoons out of the park or trim the hedges.” Gebhart says that the town’s receptive attitude changed as Uncle Sam began demanding more while doing less. “He began to eat everything he could get his hands on and insisted on just sitting on the park bench waving a broom at the raccoons which pretty much took over the park. The town couldn’t support his appetite anymore. That’s when we had an intervention and rolled him end over end to the Mayo Clinic.”
Regardless of the family feud which has gridlocked the treatment process, the medical team in charge of Uncle Sam’s well being says that Uncle Sam is in danger of becoming so obese that he cannot reach the ground with his arms or legs, thus rendering him useless. “I would keep him away from high calorie diets even if he insists that he needs them to survive. He can’t help the community if he needs to be rolled around with a skid loader,” says Dr. Tucker. He added, “Some hard choices must be made unless you want to find one hang of a big graveyard for the man.”