Penn State Football Fans Outraged Over Forced Rabies Vaccinations

By Josh Snader

On the heels of the mounting nationwide Ebola crisis, Penn State officials are dealing with an alleged local pandemic of their own. The Pennsylvania Department of Health has forced thousands of Penn State football fans to undergo rounds of rabies vaccinations due to widespread reports of “rabid” fans who foam at the mouth and are inclined towards violence, all symptoms of the fearful rabies virus.

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“WHAAAAT! WE NEVER LOSE! ARGH!”

The PDH responded last Saturday to multiple reports of individuals who had rabies like symptoms, ultimately deciding to administer several thousand rounds of rabies vaccines into the stomachs of Penn State football fans.

Don Clearson, the director of the Pennsylvania Department of Health, issued a statement confirming the incident. “We arrived at the stadium to find many individuals wearing Penn State jerseys who were acting violently towards the opposing team and towards our staff. The symptoms were consistent with rabies and so we decided to take action before they bit others and caused an outbreak.”

Several fans who were at the game and were administered the vaccinations have been speaking out.

Jake Martin was at the game but says what transpired on that evening was unclear. “I don’t really remember that much. There was some guy stabbing me in the stomach with something but that happens at every Penn State game so I didn’t think much about it.”

Amanda Dawson attended the game as well. She claims the vaccinations had a positive effect on her. “I woke up the next day as clearheaded as could be. Whatever those vaccines are they definitely help with hangovers. I wish they were available over the counter.”

An official of the Penn State football team, who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the fans, admitted that their team does not, in fact, win all the time. “Sometimes we lose, which seems to stir up similar symptoms as those we saw last night.”

While the debate over forced vaccinations is likely to heat up as more and more spectators awake from their comas and read the news, officials are happy to report that a rabies epidemic has been snuffed out at the source. “We think we have solved the problem,” the official said, “Until next game of course.”

Pummel others with your wisdom!