Kabul, Afghanistan. ISIS, well known for lopping off heads and riding stylish camels, has now set it’s sights on cyber warfare, hacking into Microsoft’s data centers in Kabul and attempting to disrupt one of the most used gaming networks in the world.
Microsoft officials reported the hack when Aalim Aquib Arafat, the part time shepherd in charge of Microsoft’s Xbox Live servers, called them on a pay phone and said that Microsoft’s most sophisticated data center had been compromised. Early reports indicate ISIS hacked a hole through the thin plaster wall and gained entry to the dank, humid room where piles of servers lay strewn about connected by sparking ethernet cables. They apparently found a sticky note with the passwords on that was stuck to the computer monitor and gained entry to the data system.
The goal of ISIS hacking the data center is still unclear but video surveillance footage shows the terrorists attempting to watch Netflix on the single grainy monitor. They were, however, thwarted by slow loading times and repeated computer crashes. The frustration builds in the group until one man dressed in black finally stomps out through the doorway with screams and machine gun fire soon following. He returns shortly after with a laptop and plugs it into the data center. The terrorists ate all the popcorn in the cupboards, binged watched Top Gear, and left some forty nine hours later.
Microsoft insists that no data has been stolen and has downplayed reports of ISIS accidentally improving the speed of their gaming service several times over just by hooking up a stolen laptop. Xbox Live users insist that the network is running better than ever and are begging Microsoft to let ISIS in control of their data center.
Even bad people hate slow internet.