New Study Finds An Ounce of Gun is Worth A Pound of Police

Gun control is always a heated debate that has both sides giving it both barrels and this latest report isn’t likely to raise any white flags.

In a study published early Thursday morning, the University of Texas found that an ounce of gun is worth a pound of police. Although the summary is simple, the study dove much deeper than merely interviewing attendees at the latest Donald Trump news conference.

The research team had 600 participants walk down several dark alleys in downtown Philadelphia at 1 o’clock in the morning. The researchers had five variations and one control group. The control group and each variation had 100 participants each. The first group of participants were the control group. They were merely shoved out of the back of a van in a deserted part of town unarmed and unaccompanied by any authority figure. The second group of participants had only a smart phone and a reassurance that there were police officers nearby. The third group of participants were given a 100 pounds of semi-auto firearms and ammo and walked down the same alley. Group 4 participants were escorted by a 100 pound Philadelphia police officer. The 5th group in the study was given 400 lbs of heavy weaponry (no police escort) while the 6th group was unarmed but accompanied by a 400 lbs officer.

After the tests, the groups were asked to report their feeling of security on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the feeling of very secure. The control group, most of which wound up in local hospitals suffering from light stab wounds, reported not feeling very secure with participants giving their experience a .09. Group 2 reported not being able to call the police because their smart phones were all stolen and on average gave the experience a 1.1. Group 3, who were armed with 100 lbs of semi-auto firearms and ammo, reported an average security rating of 9.8 compared to Group 4 participants who, escorted by a 100 lb officer, gave the experience only a 2. Group 5, who were given 400 lbs of heavy weaponry, reported a security rating of 8.1, down from those who carried merely 100 lbs of semi-auto weapons. When asked about his experience the individual stated, “This **** is illegal in Philadelphia. I’m going to get arrested. I was scared of the cops, man.” Group 6 gave their experience a solid 5.2 saying that the 400 lbs police officer made things very mediocre. “We stayed in brightly lit areas of the city, places like McDonalds & Wendys.”

“Pound for pound, it seems firearms have the police beat,” Dennis Quid, the lead researcher for University of Texas, said about the results.

The study gives ammo to the pro gun crowd who claims firearms are a great prevention tool but critics are quick to note that if the study was replicated in the plains of Kansas the differences in feeling of security between the groups would be far less. President Obama, also commenting on the study, said that the problem is jobs. “If we, uh…, carpet bomb the cities with thick layers of cash, uh…, then folks wouldn’t, uh…, need to rob anybody. But Republicans want folks to stay poor!” Rosie O’Donnell, on Thursday’s edition of “The View,” claimed that if people were college educated they could learn how to dial a phone and therefore feel more secure.


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