Fight for 15 Backfires, Employers Turn to Rescue Chimps to Do Menial Tasks

As the Fight for 15 movement, which promotes raising the minimum wage of many low skilled workers to $15 an hour, sweeps across the nation via social media and disgruntled McDonald’s employess, many employers are taking preemptive action to avoid the massive cost increases of a potential $15 an hour minimum wage.

Known as the Rescue Chimp Workforce Program, a new program spearheaded by some local conservative Amish business owners take chimpanzees that were neglected, unwanted, or seized in drug raids from around the country and train them to do menial tasks such as building sheds, driving forklifts, and baking local delicacies for road side stands. This breakthrough program does several things: it reduces the business owners dependence on a human workforce which requires frequent raises, healthcare, and an ever increasing minimum wage, it increases the skill of the workforce over the current minimum wage workers, and it provides a loophole to federally mandated diversity requirements.

One local business, Bush Pilot Beard Balm, is beginning the transition from prison inmates to trained rescue chimps with this new initiative.

Dennis Doxer, the Manager of Diversity and Inclusion Department of, says that Rescue Chimp Workforce Program help the community in several ways. “First, we rescue chimps from the local zoo where the primates have no reason to live neither do they have any activities to participate in that promote self worth. Second, we get less feces in our product when we use trained chimps than we do when we use humans who get paid $8 per hour.” Doxer says that in addition to those benefits, the trained chimps are happy to be reimbursed for their time with rotten bananas and out of date, sandy ice cream, which they source from a local Amish owned bent and dent store – saving even more money.  “Plus,” Doxer says, “the cost of retiring a chimp is the price of a .22 bullet while there are all sorts of laws restricting retirement policies for your human employees.” Also, when a chimp gets caught in machinery or gets killed while driving a forklift, there is far less paperwork involved. That saves businesses even more money in legal fees and litigation costs although it does cost about $22 in trainer fees to train a replacement chimp.

“Another perk,” says Doxer, “Is that we can do product testing on our employees while they are working on the line. It’s an efficient system. We test beard balm and make it simultaneously.”

The new program isn’t without it’s challenges. was the subject of multiple local zoning violations when an employee left the factory door’s open and the entire workforce escaped, wreaking havoc on the local towns. It’s worth it, Doxer says. “Since we fired all our minimum wage workers and filled our factory with neglected chimps, our lice infestation has been almost under control for some time now. There’s less profanity and racism involved in the manufacturing process as well which makes liberals on social media feel good about our products.”

Bush Pilot Beard Balm also is experimenting with using chimp workers as models for their website. Doxer says the chimps are cuter than any of his employees so it’s a natural extension of the chimp rescue program.


Pummel others with your wisdom!